Mumma broke down.

Hold onto your seats.

I’m forever referring to myself as a ‘young mum’, rather than a ‘mum‘. As the reality is, I am; and I have no shame in that.

Though my reality is that I’m no way near where I want to be for my baby. Or myself. I’m not going to question my capability as a mum, because we’re all still alive. But I can’t help but question whether capability is enough?

A ‘lil back story to make some sense of this:

The pregnancy came unexpected and only 3 (?) months out of treatment for my mental health. Treatment I had spent 18 months in prior, and the time before that I spent in education.

MONEY. WORK. EXPERIENCE. REFERENCES.

I have minus amounts of it.

3 months ago I got a ‘conditional offer’ from a job, and yet I’m still sat here not working it? The reason… none of my bl**dy references have got back to me. NONE. I’ve spent 3 months thinking the application was just going through the motions, but it’s barely even begun. (And never will at this rate).

Just to escalate things further… I went to sign some finance documents and seal the deal for a new car; to which the following day I received an (I quote) ‘awkward conversation’ about how I’ve been rejected last minute.

I was already in a fragile place and it suddenly came crashing down on me.

Every effort I made to try and fix all of this wasn’t working. Eventually it utterly wiped me out for a month, and I spent at least 3 days unwashed and trying to not get out of bed.

After finally opening up about it, this: ‘It’s awful how it’s other people letting you down’ was said.

Until I heard that, I was blaming everything on my past self, and truly believing that I would never progress in anything other than being a ‘capable mum’. How sh*t it is that during a break down you can only see black or white.

Black being ‘just mum’ isn’t good enough, I have to do more; with white being ‘I’m not good enough to do more’.

Yet, an outsiders perspective can change everything. They see all of the colours.

I’ve nearly managed to build myself back up out of this one…

The car I was rejected for is now sat on my driveway and I’ve managed to gain 2 references.

Most importantly, I’ve been helping my head and my heart by focusing solely on being that ‘capable mum’. Sometimes, I think Felix was put into this world to take care of me, not the other way around.

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